the connection

lately, i’ve been feeling a huge disconnection towards friends, family, and people i’ve recently met. i don’t know what it is or if this is just a phase for me but i’m guessing i’ve been too self-absorbed. whether it be meeting new friends or meeting with old, i can’t help but to feel so emotionally isolated? i just don’t feel waves of happiness as i did before or that connection i’ve always felt when meeting these people. 

i guess it all comes down to the unhappiness and dissatisfaction i’ve been feeling. i’ve just been so absorbed into working and making sure my checks are well over 4 digits. at times, i physically and emotionally break down and bust into tears due to the overwhelming feeling of what i’m doing with my life. i don’t really have any answers or solutions to what i’m currently dealing with. at times, i feel as if my existence is rather useless and that my life truly has no purpose. as dark as it sounds, it just sometimes feels like that’s what’s real to me. what is my purpose and why i’m i living? what am i here to do and what can i do? what if my life was given no purpose?

what scares me the most is not being able to carry out my dreams and desires that i have. will i simply grow old and never set foot outside this country? will i simply look past friendships over the numbers of hours i’m working? will i simply just overlook my happiness for money?

it’s so frightening and scary.

there’s so much i’d want to do and it hurts me that i feel as if i’ll never ever be able to accomplish these things. i want my parents to be able to retire and not have to work anymore. i want to be able to make sure my parents could revisit korea and spend time there. i want to travel and show my eyes and my parents’ eyes the endless beauty and landmarks the world has in store. i want to find someone i could love and be truly loved for who i am. i want to constantly exceed in doing what i love and find happiness in that. but constant doubt and fear weigh in more than my dreams and aspirations. 

some people might say

"hey esther you’re only 20 years old. what’s there to worry about? just have fun!"

i couldn’t agree more. yes i am only 20 years old but to me it’s just a reminder to how fast time is progressing for me. it’s just a reminder that i’m still not successful or on the right path to success. ironically, it’s just a reminder that i’m also still so young and naive to my own rash decisions. most times, i’m so jealous of other people my age who get to rest during their summer vacation and hang out with friends. i’m envious that some of them get sent to korea or different countries without having to worry about financial costs or anything else. 

is it just me? it is just met that can’t let go in having fun and giving myself the right to have a time to experience some fun? am i being to selfish with my time and how i spent it? ever since seeing my parents work so hard and diligently for their money, i can’t help but to measure that into my own life and my own hands. it’s the greatest factor that more or less has shaped and built me into the person i am today. at times, it could be positive but now, i feel as if it’s beginning to take a negative turn in my life. ever since i was 16, there wasn’t a summer where i wouldn’t dedicate those hours working. from starting as a cashier for my parents store to sales associate at american apparel, to a receptionist and now to a manager, i guess you can say work makes up the majority of my time. i just didn’t like the feeling of having my parents pay for my own necessities and that it just didn’t make sense that they should pay for me. i was fully physically capable of making my own money and i knew i had to go out there and make my own money. so i asked myself “why not?”

a lot of people compliment me on how “mature” i carry myself and act. but at times, it kinda sucks. it sucks that i can’t be immature and be reckless. it sucks that i’ve set certain responsibilities that i am held accountable for. i guess i’ve just stepped into “adulthood” a lot quicker than other friends or people my age. however even if i did transition into this period a lot faster, what upsets me is that i can’t draw upon any accomplishments that either my parents or myself can boast about.

it’s the sad truth.

i’m really just another number to this population and i can’t help but to feel no connection to the other numbers around me. i quickly lose patience for the weak who are always complaining and constantly being negative around me. the worst part of me in that is i simply ignore them and slowly allow that friendship to dissolve. but i guess karma is up and running with me because whenever i try to befriend someone who i admire or think we could get along, the friendship never ceases to grow.

ouch? i guess it’s ouch for the both of us. 

i’ve also met a number of people and tried this whole dating thing here and there. but when it comes to me and relationships, i have a hard time finding someone who is actually willing to commit. not commitment to marriage but just someone who believes in a rooted, strong, serious relationship rather than quick flings of dating through a number of people. i take my feelings very seriously because i just don’t think that special part of us humans should be toyed around with or thrown up in the air. to me, feelings are such a delicate yet beautiful trait we all share so why taint it? we’re all the same in wanting to be loved by the opposite sex so what’s the big deal about actually doing that? why can’t we just take the time, the laughs, the smiles, the memories to truly learn how to love someone? it’s just disappointing that i really haven’t met anyone with the same opinion or standard that i have. most guys want a casual girl that’s down to lay in bed with them or simply just test out and these are the guys i’ve been meeting. maybe i’m old school or call it old-fashioned but that’s just not me. in the end, i’m the biggest fool for always hoping for my prince charming to spontaneously come into my life. hopefully i can find someone who can support me and feed fuel to my creative side i have and i do the same as well. it’d be nice to have someone to work on little projects with and be each other’s greatest fans. whether it be taking photos or cooking or traveling or walking around or laughing, i hope that i could find you soon.

all the best,

E

based 🙏
phuck yo high school bullshit
dat hip be like pow
my graines