As I open up my Twitter account to voice over my emotions through typing less than 160 words about how I feel, I punch in some vowels and consonance through my lagging iPhone 4 keyboard this “Leaving was probably the best decision so far…never been happier.”
The time I shared, cherished, and lived at Rutgers University was probably the best and yet the worst times I’ve had. No one would ever know how I truly felt through persevering one year at that place. Not even my closest friends nor my sister/best friend would understand what I was going through emotionally. Let’s rewind to right before I was going to move into school. Honestly I was ecstatic to leave home where I would have no restrictions of a curfew. I was so excited to finally experience what I thought would be “freedom” and do whatever I wanted when I moved out. Boy was I right. I had no curfew, I met really awesome people, I partied, I missed class, I met boys, and best of all, I finally got what I wanted for so long; my so called “freedom.” After my first semester ended, I didn’t really care about my grades because I thought “Oh I’ll just do better second semester.” or “It’s not THAT BAD.” and I continued to feed myself these lies. As I ended my first semester of college and entered into my second year, things were great once again. I made sure I had no Friday classes just so I could have a day of rest from partying on those Thirsty Thursdays.
But things started to change.
I started feeling extremely lonely and left out. Even though I had a group of close girl friends, some were either involved with a campus club or some were either just into the partying life while I was neither. Attempts at joining a Christian club seemed futile and partying every weekend didn’t seem to be boosting my spirits either. There was something so wrong with both parties in my eyes. The two groups seemed the same. The Christian Club and the Partying Club both seemed the same to me cause both were looking for answers in the wrongest of places. For me, I knew my answers couldn’t be found there so I hindered. I would try to leave the campus almost every weekend and spend my time in the city with my close friend who would open her dorm for me. Although I had no option but to sleep on her crowded floor, next to her shoes, I felt much more happier there than at Rutgers. If it wasn’t for that little space and time my friend offered to me, I would’ve probably went insane. Through her, I was actually able to breathe and happily laugh and feel a warmth of joy. I don’t think she knows how much the times we’ve spent actually saved me from a lot. Through her, I couldn’t help feeling more comfortable on the dusty floors at the Rubin dorm rather than my room in House 13 I cherished so much.
Then I realized it was me who constantly kept on putting the wrong pieces to piece together a puzzle. The pieces would be the fact that I was at Rutgers, the people I hung out with, the answers I needed, my identity, and lastly, my happiness. I was at the wrong place, at a terribly wrong time. Nonetheless, it was all so wrong. Nothing fit. Nothing looked right. Nothing worked. But yet here I was desperately crying out of frustration to no one. It was a battle against me and I had no one to help me out. Everything had hit me. It was like someone had pressed the rewind button on my life and I had seen everything I did. I was so embarrassed and disappointed in myself. At this point, I didn’t think of turning to the Father because I was so ashamed and prideful. That’s when I broke. I knew I had let my mistakes go too far and there was no undo button. It was a very sunny beautiful day and it was almost the end of my freshman year at Rutgers and I just went towards a place with grassy hills and broke down. I couldn’t stop myself from crying because I was so angry. I was so angry that I had chosen this place. I was so excited in the beginning to come here and I ended up dreading this place so much. I was so angry at the fact I thought I knew everything and what would be best for me. However at the same time, I was just so scared. I wanted to run away. I wanted to find shelter somewhere so no one could see me. I was also so scared of breaking the truth to my parents. I was just so scared to call my mom and tell her “Mom, I’m tired. I just don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be here anymore. Please come take me home.” However my fears had conquered me and I decided to call my sister instead in need of some comfort and as she picked up in a cheery voice, I answered her with silence. Holding back all the tears and pains that I had hid from my family that I felt during the school year started to resurface and I just decided to finally let her hear my sufferings and my cries.
Telling my parents was another obstacle that I had to face. I just couldn’t bring myself telling them that I didn’t want to go to that school anymore and that it wasn’t what I wanted to do. In the end, it took me well over a month to finally tell them how I felt. Disappointingly, they believed it was cause the studies were too hard and that I was too stubborn to overcome the dexterity of my classes. More or less, I think my dad had more of a heart of understanding than my mom cause my dad noticed that I wasn’t my usual self whenever I would come home on weekends. Till this day, I think my parents grew to understand the concept that I will not be returning to that school and that my heart belongs to a school in the city. Going to that school means a curfew, less socializing, and family. It would probably be the total opposite of Rutgers but I want that. I want to be with my parents. I want to be next to my sister. I want to be home where I can eat my mom’s food. I love it here and I can’t ask for anything more.
Leaving so abruptly without telling anyone and saying my goodbyes leaves me with a lot of regret. There was a select few whom I really respected and wish I got to spend more time with. There was my KSA big who treated me like her little sister and she was probably the sweetest person to welcome me. She definitely understood some part of my passion that I had for pursuing my dreams and she told me she was proud of me for going for it. Then there would be my soonjang who was probably the only one who fully knew what situation I was in with school. That night she was able to pick up her phone and devote her time to listen to my cries. Through her I learned what responsibility in sisterhood looked like and how patient she was with each of us. Next, there was a boy who shared the same birthday with my sister and he was just so weird. But I admired his devotion to God and his church. I was jealous as to how naive he was and how innocent he was to the world. He was so in love with God and I couldn’t help to be so envious of his committment. Lastly, it’s another big I had who volunteered to be my big. Although we barely shared any time together, I loved how he approached me first with no intentions of what any other upperclassmen guy would have. I really loved how genuine he was to me and even though we only got to hang out once, that memory will always last with me. I would want to say thank you to these certain people who made my stay at school worthwhile. I rarely got to see these people on a daily basis but I think that’s what made them so special. They were like Christmas to me. I know that sounds super cheesy but heck with it.
There are many people whom I just left. There are many friendships that became broken and I have such a big heart to apologize and explain my situation. There was just so many mistakes I made to people, to friends, and to myself. I ended a lot of friendships due to my own selfish seclusion. I feel as though my insecurities led me to cut friendships and close myself off without even letting them know why. But I think if I can ask, I need more time and I just have this heart to bury everything about what I did at Rutgers University. It’s something I’m not really proud of because I failed myself, my parents, and my dreams. I failed at almost everything I put my heart on the line for. Now I really just want to move on and build upon the old memories that still linger around. I just really want to be happier in the next school I’m in and give it my all. To those whom I have hurt, I want to say that I am sorry for hurting you in any way shape or form. I know this is informal and this is through an Internet based blog. But I hope through everything I’ve written, there could be some sort of understanding. I guess the time will come when I’ll take the initiative to formally apologize.
As of now, I am currently just working inthe heart of New York City where I feel most comfortable in. Despite the fact the place is full of weird, psychotic, homeless people that urinate in every corner, I can’t help but to feel as if the city is my second home. There’s just so much to the city than I could ever imagine. The architecture, the smells, the colors, the shapes, the simple feelings that I feel when I’m in the city is indescribable. I love how I was in total control of my own direction and if I got lost, I got lost. If I wanted to go shopping, I’d go shopping. It was amazing to navigate what you wanted and your desires through such a hectic, congested area. There was a time when I had walked past a school called the Fashion Institute of Technology and despite the fact of how dull and how shapeless the architecture of the school looked like, I just stood there in awe of it. The school didn’t have any bright appealing color or any kind of physical artwork to catch your eye, but I saw it that way. I saw it as a place filled with color, filled with life, and filled with answers. I felt a sudden pull from my body that this was the school I needed to attend. This was the school where I could succeed and be happy. As I stood there, I felt my eyes start to rim with tears because I didn’t understand why that couldn’t be my school. I didn’t understand why my parents couldn’t just support me for what I love doing and what I want to do with my life. I felt so confident that that school was the school for me but it broke me to see how close but yet so far FIT was for me. It was truly disheartening to see how in the past I was so confident that that would be the place I’d spend the next four years of my life but I had lost all that confidence whatsoever. I lost myself. I had lost all my ambition and passion of what I wanted to be and what I wanted to do. With much thinking and risk, I decided to reopen the door that I had recently closed. I wish to finally take that huge jump and attend this school in the spring. There is a huge chance I won’t go there by getting declined from the school and I’m so scared of it. I’m so scared that God doesn’t see that school as His plan. I’m so scared that I would have to go back to Rutgers. I’m just so scared of such a bleak, blurred future.
For those who are reading this till the very end, I know this is so oblivious for me to ask but I hope you can pray for me. I usually never ask people to pray for me but I realized I can’t do everything on my own. My prayer request is not for me to get into this school, it’s for the ability to trust Him. It’s for the ability to fully trust Him so that even if I get rejected, I wouldn’t be upset or mad in any way cause He has a plan for me. If I don’t get in, I don’t want to my heart to be filled with hate, betrayal, and anger. If whatever is in His plan, I just want to be able to be happy with that and be thankful. Once again, I know there are so many people out there who aren’t really happy with me or have bitter feelings towards me because of the mistakes I’ve made. I know. I know I messed up. But through this, I wish to ask for your forgiveness. I’m sorry I’m not the bigger, better person to initiate a confrontation of apologies. I just don’t think I’m ready yet…and when I am, I will fully provide my attention, heart, and apology to you. Then I guess I’ll just wrap this up with a bible verse I searched for while typing this up.
"We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way; and the LORD has laid on Him the iniquity of us all." Isaiah 53:6
It’s so crazy how God can throw all these obstacles at you and every choice, every option, every word you take part of can totally shape any kind of outcome. I thought I had knew myself. I thought I knew everything about what I wanted to be or what I wanted do and who I wanted to be with. I was so cocky. I was so overly confident in the beginning of my freshman year but look at me now. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t think I will for awhile. I realized that I’m no longer a child anymore or a teen that could simply get away with a slap on the wrist. The first year of college really really left a huge impression on me. You may think I was weak and you are 100% correct cause I am weak. I am poor, I am broken, and I am lost. But now I realized that. I realize that I am nothing without having the Father in my life. Honestly, today right now I still feel the same way. I still don’t know anything. I used to think I did but in that year I spent, it really really changed me.
I am that sheep that went her own way to experience her own happiness through all these worldly desires. But through God’s unending love, he took blame and cover for our sins. I’m still not there yet with this whole Christianity concept but I’m trying. Even though I was a born Christian, I don’t think being born into a Christian family helps you to accept Jesus Christ as your Savior a lot easier than non-Christians. I also don’t think going to church for your whole life guarantees that you’ll accept Christ as your Savior. Everything takes time. Everything. For me, I need that time to fully figure things out. I also hope to finally understand everything and I hope to finally have that assurance that Christ is my Savior. Well, I guess that’s that. Thanks for tuning in to whoever did and thank you for taking the time out to read this. I sincerely wish the best of luck to you all that started school or started their second year of college or started a new chapter in their life. I wish that this post could’ve somehow helped someone who felt the somewhat the same way I did. I just want to let you know that you’re not the only one fighting this battle. Although it’s difficult, although it’s heartbreaking at times, just keep going and you’ll live. Till then.
Decided to make some videos over the summer to document where I go, what I do, who I see, and what goes on in my life. I really enjoy making and editing vide…