This week has been an awakening week for me. With the sudden death of my grandma, I couldn’t help to rethink of the steps I chose and the decisions I made. My grandma’s death had filled my head and my heart with countless thoughts. Life, death, my future, my family, my friends, my aspirations were all thoughts that swarmed around my head like a bunch of flies.
I had set a time of grievance for my grandma because she lived under the same roof as me since 2003. She would cook me meals when she was able. She would constantly remind me to always pray to the Father. She would always inspect to see if I had socks covering my cold feet. The last time I had seen her was probably on Saturday where she looked very healthy and I instantly expected her to be coming back home. I did not like how she was in a nursing hospital where she just laid in her bed. She was faced to see the same four walls everyday and the smell at that hospital was deathly. To me, that place reeked of nothing but death. It pained me to see how she had to end up in a place like that instead of being home where there was life. Despite the place she was in, she had passed at around 2:40 AM. I realized that no one was with her. No one was there to hear her last thoughts or her last words.
But I was wrong because God was there. God was there all along waiting for her. I also think she knew that too because when I got to see her face for the last time in the coffin, she looked lovely. She looked more lively than ever and that’s when I knew she was dancing with her Father, the Lord God. She was glowing even though a heart beat was no longer there. She looked as if she was peacefully sleeping or having the best dream she could have ever dreamed.
My grandma’s death was a sad one but I was happy for her. I was happy that she could finally be with her husband in whom she lost. I was happy she could be with God. I was happy that she no longer had to be in that awful hospital. I was happy because she no longer had to suffer and see the evils of this earth. The pastor who held this funeral said that we should rejoice and sing Hallelujah because my grandma finally got to go where she ever so desired which was in the arms of our Father.
This year of 2014 has been a year that consisted with more downs rather than ups for me. Nothing seemed to be going how I planned it about a year ago. I thought that if I did certain things this way, I’d reach some sort of success. However I feel like my failures outweighed the number of my successes. I want to do so much. I want to really explore how much I can push myself and how much I can do as a person. I knew that I possessed potential to carry out numerous projects and succeed in doing them. I knew that if I put myself out there, someone will notice me and someone will recognize me. But what was stopping me? I guess it would be me. I’m the one stopping myself. I’m the one telling myself I can’t do this or I’m too tired to do this. I am my biggest enemy. I am the biggest wall that needs to be broken down.
Life is short. Life is so short.
The media always tells us that we need to live our lives by buying all these products to somewhat induce a quick kind of happiness or satisfaction. Sadly, it’s true. Ironically the media of society tells us once in do something spontaneous or to do something crazy. Although society wants us to be entirely dependent on our comfortable lives, the media always tells us likewise at times. To live our lives to the fullest. Here and there I can come across someone or something reminding me that life is short. However, I always forget that. I always forget that this life of mine is no one else’s but mine. I forget that I’m wasting seconds, hours, days, and weeks that could have been a time of success for me. I simply regret what could have and should have. But in the short span of time when I process this regret, I use the quick bystander excuse of “Oh, I’ll do it next time”. It’s a cycle. We’re all constantly stuck in this cycle of living our normal, plain lives and doing nothing to break out of this cycle. We are so comfortable in self satisfaction and afraid of risk.
My grandma’s death made me realize this, which was stop being so damn comfortable with what I am doing and to take a step outside the box. With her death, I felt as if I found an answer that she wanted to tell me. I am not saying I am going to become the next Steve Jobs or sacrifice everything and move to a third world country. But, I know that I can be something and I can be somebody. I do not want to be scared anymore or afraid of what I can win if I lose. I want to do so much. I want to travel. I want to see what others can’t see. I refuse to let myself stay caged up in New Jersey and never explore other worlds. I refuse to become like others who are too scared. I know I’m not the sharpest tool in the box but what if I can sharpen myself to be one? What if I can expand my horizons and expand my dreams so far that I won’t be able to see how far I’ve gone. What if I can find true happiness? What if I can finally retire my parents and send them wherever they want to go? What if I can set a name for myself rather than being labeled as a number?
I do not know where I am headed with this. I do not know where I will be in a few months or what I can do. Heck, maybe I’ll be just the same as before. Maybe I’ll just be the same old Esther who simply works and is blinded of seeing the gems of this earth. But I refuse. I refuse to stand still and not fight. I refuse to be weak. I refuse to not stand up against my own enemy and battle. I want change and I want it now.
Just do it. Esther, let’s just do it.